Sunday, 14 June 2015


time is getting more and more scary to me. i enjoy the anticipation to an event more than the actual event sometimes, because if something is happening that also means it will end. this one bit from a Rookie article ages ago has really fucked with my head ever since: "I was already obsessed with the idea that the experience of any sensation is accompanied by the knowledge of its impermanence. The very fact of my noticing any particular pleasure or pain meant the moment had passed." I feel the exact same way and it's really not good for me. when the tricky concert was over (yes still not over that) and we were leaving i was just in shock. in recovery. when my mum started talking about it, analysing the performance, i was just like 'please don't talk about it like it's over'. when we got back at 2am i wrote 'time consumes/life resumes'.  

i finished reading open city by teju cole a few weeks ago, which was really good. there was one part of a sentence where it said something like 'in the past, if there is such thing'. this really stuck with me for some reason, and freaked me out a bit (like, what if there is no such thing as the past? we'll only have fragments of what has happened in the form of photographs, videos, writing, but so much of the past needs to be reconstructed purely from memory, which is unreliable. ahhhh) 

i went to a house party for the first time on Friday - i didn't exactly enjoy myself as i barely knew anyone there, and it ended up being more of a human observational study for me (lool i suck at being a teenager). but i think there were bits of it that will be bittersweet memories at some point: walking around muswell hill highstreet at 11pm, escorting my drunk friend around on a walk; dancing to pop music in the strobe light room, fragmented faces and bodies surrounding me, feeling like everything in the room was moving; waiting on a store front at 12:30 for my friend's dad to pick us up, probably looking a little like prostitutes. yeah so it was an experience. a necessary experience.

anyway, apart from my over-analysis of pretty much everything, i'm good. in 6 days i will be 15. half way to 30. and then when i'm 30 i'll think how lucky i was to be so young and naive and that i should have appreciated my youth more...

lol bye,