chi

hey everyone!

this endlessly long summer is dwindling to a close after what feels like years. yet year 11 flew by - faster than flew! the end of secondary school feels like the end of an era, but I'm here for the change. I need it.

this summer has been so great, the more I think about it. maybe this is the longest i'll be ~free~ for years, which is scary to think about; but at the same time I thrive off the structure and productivity of school. 

a few more weeks really make such a difference - this summer has felt months longer than our usual 6 weeks. i wish every year was like this..

in some ways, I think I've become more independent this summer. I've spent a lot of time chilling by myself, which has made me learn to cherish solitude. or at least survive it.

but this summer represents friends and family in a huge way as well. this summer I went camping, stayed in a youth hostel and went to a festival, all for the first time (excluding Afropunk, but that's only a day festival). I also visited Chicago, for my annual trip - got back last week. I fall more in love with the city each year. I'm seriously considering living there at some point!

these pictures are all from Chicago, spanning our week-and-a-half visit. to stay faithful to the vibe I recommend listening to Frank Ocean's new album whilst looking at them (my favourite songs on Blonde are Nights, Seigfried, Ivy and Nikes. what are yours?)

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this summer I've been...

reading// Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides

Things Fall Apart - Chinua Achebe

Emma - Jane Austen

The Woman Upstairs - Claire Messud

watching//The Get Down

Orange is the New Black

(& loads of films...Dope, Chi-raq, Brooklyn, 10 Things I Hate About You, Deadpool and more i can't remember)

listening//NAO, SZA, Kilo Kish, A Tribe Called Quest, ABRA, Frank Ocean, SEVDALIZA, Kendrick Lamar, Jorja Smith... (everything really)

xx

-hannah

that other girl

hey there - hope your summer's going swimmingly so far! (see what i did there...lol)

no, i haven't been super productive, but I've been having an amazing time thus far. it's overwhelming - and almost disorienting - how many more weeks of freedom there are left. in my head summer's fizzling out already, but there are over 5 weeks to go!

long holidays usually bring a sense of guilt of not doing enough, but i think i've stopped comparing myself so much to other people's neverending parties or artsy daytrips or tropical holidays abroad. i'm enjoying myself, so what's the point?

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last week I went to the Lake District with family friends, my parents and my closest friend. i usually tire very quickly of countryside landscapes - but this time the idyllic scenes and tranquility got to me. it really is beautiful and freeing in rural England. i'm forever a city girl but found myself reluctant to come back to London. there were no responsibilites, no obligations. maybe that's what a holiday is supposed to feel like?

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lately my tumblr has been a calming presence for me. something about cataloguing and archiving images to form a tangible aesthetic is so comforting.

below is a ~summer vibes~ moodboard consisting of pictures from my tumblr. rich but washed-out greens and oranges, natural landscapes, suburban melancholy and 70s fashion is my calling this year.

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music's also been intrinsic to my summer. i've been listening to my soundcloud likes non-stop: notably ABRA - Fruit, SZA - twoAM and SEVDALIZA - THAT OTHER GIRL.

i found SEVDALIZA accidently and was immediately enthralled by how stripped back yet powerful her music is. she's reminiscent of fka twigs, arca and nicolas jaar but her sound is unique. THAT OTHER GIRL especially got me hooked - after listening to the song on repeat i wrote 'chaotic, controlled, sustained. glass shattering in reverse.' 

the simple melodic thrumming is juxtaposed by the violent static sounds of the beat drop. the result is something tense and restrained, beautiful but unsettling. check out the song and appropriately disturbing video below:

until next time...

-hannah

moving forward

hey! it's been a while.
currently i've been obsessing thinking about issues of identity. 

GCSEs gave me an excuse to abandon the things which define me, morphing into an exam machine. weirdly, I think I enjoyed having constant obligations. I readily dropped the hobbies which shape me in exchange for revision. exams were freeing in a way, because the pressure to be 'creative', 'productive', 'myself' were invalid - all of my energy was projected outwards instead of in. despite the shittiness and constrictions, exam season was like a little vacation from having to be Hannah.

but now the freedom of summer has complicated things. i took a hiatus from dancing, reading, playing guitar and writing and now i'm questioning whether i can get it all back. i feel like i've lost a little of myself (if i ever had such a thing). 

i'm too malleable, too easily influenced. i pick up the mannerisms of my closest friends; i adopt the political views of various figures i respect; my clothes are a slight deviation from popular trends. maybe that's what identity is anyway - a patchwork of our environmental influences. but the lack of a strong foundation upon which to build the rest of my identity scares me.

so i clutch onto old emblems of myself. I still tell people that Tricky's one of my favourite artists, when in reality I hardly listen to him anymore. I play up my nerdiness, because being good at maths and science feels like something safe and sturdy when the rest of my interests are constantly melting and reforming into new shapes. i'm trapped between the responsibility and reason of authority and the parties and spontaneity of teenagers. neither really appeals to me, so I flip between both worlds at random.

I've finished secondary school and am moving to a new sixth form. it's deeply saddening but also a relief. i don't believe in the whole 'reinvent yourself over the summer' trope but i think meeting new people will be refreshing. something has to be sacrificed in order to grow. moving forward means leaving things behind.

-hannah

aesthetics

hey.
I've been very into aesthetics lately - i.e. a colour, or a general vibe, which encompasses an emotion or experience. An outlet for this has been my tumblr, which currently has a sultry, sunset-over-the-city vibe (not in an icky generic way haha) which is just so soothing to me for some reason. I've always been obsessed with the sky and all its different forms. over London the sky goes this deep purple colour at a certain time of night, which has real significance to me. even later, the sky is almost yellow - like it's reluctant to go fully black. skies just hold something so grand and spiritual about them which is both intensely personal and completely impersonal, because the sky belongs to nothing and noone. obviously sunsets are the most overused aesthetic ever, but they don't cease to amaze me every night. the sky evokes so many memories for me.

a picture I took which is both ironically beautiful and kinda sad 

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I watched Lolita yesterday (the Adrian Lyne one), which was uncomfortable and emotionally traumatising (it was pretty explicit) but is a stunning film. Dominique Swain was great in it - Lolita's reckless boredom, self-destructive sexuality and vulnerability was portrayed in a way I felt was really faithful to the original novel. Being so close to Lolita's age makes it strange to watch - you can recognise her autonomy but still sympathise deeply with how she's been manipulated and abused. Lolita's fashion/aesthetic is also amazing in its own disturbing way (think of Lana Del Rey's Off To The Races vibe). overall it's a very engrossing film which is difficult to watch but worth it. I recommend reading the actual novel though; Nabokov is an extremely artful writer.

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I've also been thinking about how weird/amazing the experience of being a teenager is. there's an unspoken solidarity between people my age which somehow binds us together. I can't explain it - there's some intangible essence of being a teen, captured in Lorde's songs, which spins shared boredom into giddy excitement, straw into gold. there's something we know that adults don't. a lingering magic.

***

the future is still a foreign concept to me. I know for a fact that my relationship to everyone and everything is going to dramatically change, but that doesn't make it any more fathomable.

anyway,

-hannah

p.s. PLEASE watch this vine, it brings endless joy

lowkey lonely

hey everyone! i apologise in advance for a very jumbled post, with no coherent theme apart from 'things that have been going on in my life recently'.

anyway: below is a picture (couldn't figure out 8tracks haha) of a playlist I made to allow myself to smoothly segue into the new year. these are some of the songs I love the most, which I can listen to endlessly. they don't exactly sustain a mood or theme but there is definitely a common lowkey thread which entwines them all together for me. I made a youtube playlist of them, if you want to give it a listen? they're all very chill songs with a tinge of loneliness or darkness creeping in - the best kind of song, in my opinion.

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also i just got twitter, so follow me if you want! I'm terrible at tweeting tbh but at least i can retweet! @hannahh_lg ;)

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in other news, I got a ~behind-the-scenes~ tour of the animal hospital at London Zoo which was AMAZING and involved me feeding and petting a cool anteater from Peru. I also got to feed 2 monkeys (i think they were golden lion tamarins but not sure) and a mongoose squirrel thing. 

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in conclusion, queen B slays again. 

-hannah

2016

hey everyone - happy new year! i actually had a really great new years eve and I'm (unusually) pumped for this year. although I have exams in the summer i have a feeling this is going to be an amazing year. In some ways 2016 feels surreal (turning 16 etc) but my mind has already mentally adjusted to the idea - for the last few weeks I have been confusing 2015 with 2016.

i don't really believe in new year's resolutions as it's so hard to stick to them, which just leads to frustration. however, i do like to set personal goals to do more with my perception of the world rather than physical changes like 'go to the gym' etc. basically i just want to enjoy this year and do well in my exams!

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last tuesday (or should i say LAST YEAR wow) i finally got to see the yellowbluepink installation at the wellcome collection. the wait was pretty long - 1 and a 1/2 hours - but it was more than worth it! the installation is such a simple idea, but it was so powerful. basically the whole idea was to completely fill a room with coloured mist and let people roam around for a while. 

the scientific basis of the installation was to do with altered perception, which it definitely succeeded in. when i first entered the room my initial reaction was fear - it was really strange and disorienting to suddenly see nothing but a pink haze all around you. people looked like walls; walls looked like people. but i soon got used to it, and by the end i was reluctant to leave. 

it was a really strange sensation to hear people talking throughout the room but not see them - it was almost like being surrounded by ghosts. it was as though we were in a different universe, an endless haze. the complete absorption into the environment was strangely meditative and calming. time became sort of meaningless - there wasn't any context for the passing of time, only suspended mist. it felt like a space outside of time.

in some areas i couldn't even see my own feet, the mist was so thick. a metre away was hazy - people dissolved in and out of sight, materialising before dissipating again. aesthetically speaking, it was mesmerising. i wish i could go again, but i most likely won't get a chance as it's ending tomorrow..

a few weeks ago i read Indecision by Benjamin Kunkel, which i loved for some reason. i relate pretty strongly to the main character (i'm very indecisive) and it was just a really funny and strange novel. if you want a pretty fast read reminiscent of Ben Lerner i would 100% recommend it!

ok, i'll leave you with this song i've been obsessed with for the past few days:

-hannah