that other girl

hey there - hope your summer's going swimmingly so far! (see what i did there...lol)

no, i haven't been super productive, but I've been having an amazing time thus far. it's overwhelming - and almost disorienting - how many more weeks of freedom there are left. in my head summer's fizzling out already, but there are over 5 weeks to go!

long holidays usually bring a sense of guilt of not doing enough, but i think i've stopped comparing myself so much to other people's neverending parties or artsy daytrips or tropical holidays abroad. i'm enjoying myself, so what's the point?

***

last week I went to the Lake District with family friends, my parents and my closest friend. i usually tire very quickly of countryside landscapes - but this time the idyllic scenes and tranquility got to me. it really is beautiful and freeing in rural England. i'm forever a city girl but found myself reluctant to come back to London. there were no responsibilites, no obligations. maybe that's what a holiday is supposed to feel like?

***

lately my tumblr has been a calming presence for me. something about cataloguing and archiving images to form a tangible aesthetic is so comforting.

below is a ~summer vibes~ moodboard consisting of pictures from my tumblr. rich but washed-out greens and oranges, natural landscapes, suburban melancholy and 70s fashion is my calling this year.

***

music's also been intrinsic to my summer. i've been listening to my soundcloud likes non-stop: notably ABRA - Fruit, SZA - twoAM and SEVDALIZA - THAT OTHER GIRL.

i found SEVDALIZA accidently and was immediately enthralled by how stripped back yet powerful her music is. she's reminiscent of fka twigs, arca and nicolas jaar but her sound is unique. THAT OTHER GIRL especially got me hooked - after listening to the song on repeat i wrote 'chaotic, controlled, sustained. glass shattering in reverse.' 

the simple melodic thrumming is juxtaposed by the violent static sounds of the beat drop. the result is something tense and restrained, beautiful but unsettling. check out the song and appropriately disturbing video below:

until next time...

-hannah

moving forward

hey! it's been a while.
currently i've been obsessing thinking about issues of identity. 

GCSEs gave me an excuse to abandon the things which define me, morphing into an exam machine. weirdly, I think I enjoyed having constant obligations. I readily dropped the hobbies which shape me in exchange for revision. exams were freeing in a way, because the pressure to be 'creative', 'productive', 'myself' were invalid - all of my energy was projected outwards instead of in. despite the shittiness and constrictions, exam season was like a little vacation from having to be Hannah.

but now the freedom of summer has complicated things. i took a hiatus from dancing, reading, playing guitar and writing and now i'm questioning whether i can get it all back. i feel like i've lost a little of myself (if i ever had such a thing). 

i'm too malleable, too easily influenced. i pick up the mannerisms of my closest friends; i adopt the political views of various figures i respect; my clothes are a slight deviation from popular trends. maybe that's what identity is anyway - a patchwork of our environmental influences. but the lack of a strong foundation upon which to build the rest of my identity scares me.

so i clutch onto old emblems of myself. I still tell people that Tricky's one of my favourite artists, when in reality I hardly listen to him anymore. I play up my nerdiness, because being good at maths and science feels like something safe and sturdy when the rest of my interests are constantly melting and reforming into new shapes. i'm trapped between the responsibility and reason of authority and the parties and spontaneity of teenagers. neither really appeals to me, so I flip between both worlds at random.

I've finished secondary school and am moving to a new sixth form. it's deeply saddening but also a relief. i don't believe in the whole 'reinvent yourself over the summer' trope but i think meeting new people will be refreshing. something has to be sacrificed in order to grow. moving forward means leaving things behind.

-hannah